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Fri, Sep. 8th, 2006, 04:49 am

I know this place has been quiet, despite the copious amounts of badfic in this fandom, (have we all given up in despair?) but I can't help myself...

Title: Cat Tales- Hello, Kitty 1/1
Perpetrator: "Matt" (friend of that lj's owner)
Link: http://bcwrites.livejournal.com/11456.html?#cutid1
What It's Claiming to be: simple Gibbs/DiNozzo slash
What It Actually Is: DiNozzo/hand, Gibbs/cat
Choice Highlights:
Okay. First off, this is spell checked (mostly) and grammar checked (mostly), so it's not painful to read, which gives it a few points in favor. Sort of. The prose, on the other hand...

As the elevator doors opened quietly on the main floor of the NCIS building, Special Agent Jethro Gibbs sighed softly and raised his tired, blue eyes, letting his attention drift momentarily from the sheaf of information in his grasp. He looked indifferently toward the parting metal panels, idly wondering who was within. There wasn't but a very small handful of other agents and support personnel remaining in the building at this time of night, so he was mildly surprised to see the agency's medical examiner stepping slowly from the steel and cable compartment and heading in his general direction. It was a rare thing for the good doctor to be here this late. The agent's keen gaze immediately took in the light-weight coat draped casually over one of Donald Mallard's bent arms, the familiar brimmed hat held securely between the older man's surprisingly agile fingers, and realized his friend had finally completed his tasks, too, and was preparing to leave.

Frowning slightly and glancing swiftly toward the time display at the bottom corner of his computer monitor, Gibbs let the numbers absently register within his consciousness and then immediately disregarded them. It didn't matter to him how late it was nor did it concern him it was a Friday night and the start of a promised three-day weekend for his team. What *did* matter was making sure he got them each to intelligently record their individual reports on the recently-closed case before releasing them for some much-anticipated and justly rewarded time off. They were tired, to say the least, and he knew they were all looking forward to a bit of rest and relaxation but nothing was going to happen until they completed, to his satisfaction, their last assigned task: getting individual reports finalized and into his waiting hands.

It's all purple. My god. Run-on sentences, redundant descriptions... the whole story keeps going, ad nauseum, in that manner.

"I'm typing as fast as I can, Gibbs!" Ziva David hissed in annoyance, her brown eyes flashing angrily beneath her equally dark brows, mouth set in an hard, frustrated line under her pert nose. She shook her head but kept on working. "I can give you what I have now but it will not be complete and it will be without your precious spell-check."

Flashing eyes and a pert nose. I'm just saying...

They eyed each other warily for a few moments until DiNozzo, finally, pushed himself away from his seat and tilted his head toward the windows, gesturing for Gibbs to follow as he moved to the last section of glass, closest to the elevator. Without speaking further, DiNozzo squatted down and pointed toward the base of a bush growing just on the other side of the clear panel, turning his anguished eyes back to Gibbs.

"There," was all he said, the single word filled with a combination of hope and defeat.

Gibbs frowned, moved until he was directly positioned beside the younger man, and peered into the underbrush, searching the darkness for whatever DiNozzo seemed to see. It was too black to make out anything substantial and the reflected light from the lamps inside only made it downright impossible to focus on any exterior objects. He growled in frustration again.

"Damn it,Tony, I just don't..."

A small movement caught his attention and he had to squint hard to follow the slight undulation, frowning anew when he glimpsed the blurry image of...*something*...at the base of the shrub. It was alive, whatever it was, and extremely small, and Gibbs immediately got a sinking feeling in the pit of his gut. He turned his head fractionally and saw DiNozzo peering intently out, nose just inches from the window, the same compassionate expression he's worn earlier marring his handsome face again.

"Tony..." Gibbs breathed the name like a warning.

"It's just a stupid cat, Gibbs," the younger man whispered softly, his words leaving a fog against the glass, "probably a kitten, from the size of it, and soaking wet. We just can't leave it out there."

Aw, Tony loves kitties. And is sensitive. And can see in the dark.

So, Tony goes out, rescues the kitty, and gets muddy and wet from the storm. (It was a dark and stormy night, after all.)

Gibbs sends him to the showers, follows, and holds the cat in his lap as he watches Tony shower. Porn happens, at which point I start thinking, "finally." I mean, I have no issues with the genre, but you shouldn't have to scroll down 16 times to get to it in a PWP.

You've got voyeur!Gibbs watching Tony in the shower, and it's good until you realize--what happened to the cat?

Gibbs scratched under the damp chin and watched as the animal stretched it's neck in astounding pleasure, pushing into the warm hand and seeking more of the soothing contact. He chuckled and let the cat nestle in his lap, continuing his inspection as he stroked the fur with drier sections of the towel.

"Well?" He heard DiNozzo ask and glanced back toward the open shower stall, admiring the view as the young man continued to wash the chill from his now-unclothed body.

"Well, what?" Gibbs inquired with interest, avidly tracking the cascading rivulets of steamy water as they meandered over slopes and swells, around rises and bends, enjoying the subtle shift and flex of muscle under slick skin...and the quick, stimulating glimpses of that shadowed, hidden area that always drew his attention. Gibbs growled again but there was nothing soothing about this new sound and the almost-forgotten cat stirred in his lap.

Oh, there it is. Wait...

Gibbs growled again, a pleased, excited sound that had the feline in his lap suddenly purring louder, too. He chanced another quick look down and realized he was grasping the sleek, fine hairs with his fingers, carding almost roughly, but the creature seemed practically happy to be handled in that manner. Strange...


... remotely felt the cat dig in it's front claws, piercing through the thin fabric of his trousers and barely breaking the flesh beneath. The warmth the creature was producing was amazing, it's simple, satisfied rumble vibrating slightly against his rising dick, and Gibbs felt himself absently stroke the cat from head to rump, over and over again, feeling the silky slide as the feline pushed it's tail up against the pressure each and every time. It like this attention...it wanted this attention...it was almost begging for this attention.


Gibbs groaned and pushed his firming dick against the bundle of heat in his lap,


Dimly, Gibbs could hear and feel the continual purring vibrations, louder and stronger, building in intensity, shaking against his thighs and lower belly. He stroked the silky coat with one shaking hand, gripped the lip of the bench by his left leg with the other, and held on tightly.


[DiNozzo's] hiss of almost-pain made Gibbs jerk in relex and the cat dig in tighter.


Gibbs was frozen by the lewd scene, fingers unconsciously gripping the warm, solid body of the creature on his lap,


Gibbs was panting now, too, breaking out in a fine sweat, feeling the hot, compact body of the cat moving against his dick...or was *he* moving the cat? Shit. Refusing to examine the twisted implications of that thought, he called out to the writhing young man in the shower stall.

"Do it, Tony," he gritted out hoarsely, feeling his dick throb and twitch in expectation, and the sharp, unexpected pain as the cat proceeded to drive it's needle-like claws in deeply, drawing blood, and pushing the man to a different level of excitement. Gibbs hissed at the flood of sensation and gasped, his balls pulling up tightly.


Evilness Rating: There's a cat. How much more evil can it be? No wrist cutting, but I know I wanted to gouge my eyes out several times, just in case it would make the bad!touching go away. Seriously. I know I've written were-cat fic in this fandom, but I have clearly marked limits. A cat is not a sex toy!

Fri, Sep. 8th, 2006 09:39 pm (UTC)

...Aren't there laws against that kind of thing?

I want to turn the author in to PETA, sit back, and watch as the entertainment unfolds.

Thu, Oct. 26th, 2006 04:33 am (UTC)

There's also this thing about third-person neuter possessive pronouns v. contractions. And appropriate use of commas in strings of adjectives.

Mon, Feb. 5th, 2007 04:53 pm (UTC)

No. No. NO.

*cries in a corner* Gibbs is quite hot, and if he wants to get it on with DiNozzo, then fine. But... the poor cat! >_